By Amanda Sacks-Zimmerman, PhD, ABPP-CN
When you have ADHD, focusing and staying present in the moment can be hard. This can make connecting with someone on a date especially challenging—not because you don’t care or aren’t interested, but because it’s difficult to consistently direct and sustain your attention.
Unfortunately, this can be misunderstood. Attentional difficulties may be interpreted as disinterest or lack of care, especially early in a relationship. In some cases, this misunderstanding can lead to a relationship ending for the wrong reasons—not because you don’t want connection, but because your attention didn’t always show it.
Worse still, people may turn this inward and conclude, “I’m incapable of caring about someone.”
That is not true.
What’s really happening is that ADHD affects how attention is managed in real time—especially in situations like dates, where listening, responding, and emotional presence are all required at once. The key is being intentional and prepared.
Helpful strategies for dates
- Create attention targets.
We focus better when we know what to listen for. Before the date, choose a few topics—like their relationship with siblings, a meaningful vacation, or something they’re passionate about—and listen intentionally for those moments and tell yourself you are going to “test” yourself on those targets after the date. - Use short attention goals.
Tell yourself: “For the next 5 minutes, I’m going to listen closely.” Then respond to something your date said during that time. - Check in and redirect.
Zoning out will happen. That’s okay. Build in mental check-ins every few minutes to gently bring your attention back to the person in front of you. - Choose active dates.
Activities like walking, hiking, ping pong, karaoke, or anything physical can make connection easier on attentional resources than a long sit-down conversation. - Put your phone away. Seriously.
Having your phone visible makes attention much harder for someone with ADHD. It overloads the brain’s filtering system and pulls focus away from your date. Put it away completely. The phone can wait—go down the rabbit hole after the date.
ADHD does not mean you lack care, interest, or emotional capacity. It simply means you may need to be more intentional about how you show up—and that is a skill that can be learned.
Amanda Sacks-Zimmerman is the clinical director of Acheron Psychiatry as well as a clinical associate professor of neuropsychology in neurological surgery at Weill Cornell Medicine. Dr. Sacks-Zimmerman has assessed and treated neurosurgical patients with a variety of disorders and has extensive experience in the treatment and research of the cognitive impact of brain injury. More about Amanda Sacks-Zimmerman
